Now can I completely be honest? I have always been terrified of the idea of love. Not because its anything less than pure magic, but, I've seen loneliness from far too close. The fear has seeped within the heart blocking every single part that was supposed to feel something and I've been drunk on nothingness ever since. You see it, don't you? I'm sitting in this cave stained with darkness and stinking wounds, and you, ... you, my love, are too bright. You must understand, that these eyes have not seen light since years. 

And now, they say I am free to go .. and free to do as I wished ... but I find this freedom illusory ... pointless .. irrelevant ..

... for what I have always wished for the most has already been taken from me.

Enjoying the beauty of the freshly falling snow...appreciating the wonders of nature and embracing and living life. :-)

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year India ..! ... See you soon.

Dreams..? .. Nightmares ..!

Have you ever had a dream where it shakes you to the core??? And after waking from that dream, it takes you a little bit to process and think, maybe even say it out loud 'it was just a dream'. This is how my morning started.

My body is still reacting to this dream, or should I say NIGHTMARE??? I'm shaky because of the adrenaline coursing through my body, the shock of the dream and all the past emotions that I've gone through with my diagnosis and relapse.

I'm exhaling in relief and even shedding some tears because I know it was just a dream.  I was so frightened to turn my light on to even look.  When I found the courage to turn the light on, it created shadows and for a split second I thought my dream became reality.  Thankfully, it was just shadows and there were no huge, bluish purple bruises covering my body..

The heaviness that was weighing down on my chest was lifted, however my nerves are shot.  My hands won't quit shaking.

I realize I had a dream but that ugly fear ( and the truth to it) is always lurking in the shadows. And as much as I continue to move on, it always creeps out to remind me it's there or it jumps out so unexpectedly that it scares the holy shit out of me!!!

It has been a rough couple of months with losing some fellow warriors with their battle and also hearing of a relapse of another. Things are fresh on my mind and because of this, I'm telling myself, is the reason for my current nightmare.

I'm going to continue taking some deep breaths and begin putting this nightmare out of my mind. I'm going to move on hopefully and enjoy this Christmas season with my dearest family and friends! Who knows if I'd be given another chance ..? :) 

Missing all my lovelies back in India so terribly. I want to get rid of this as soon as possible and run back to them. Fingers crossed.

Playing in my mind today ....

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...

...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls.

Dear Honey ,,

 Read somewhere -

_ "Some relationships just end. Like a star, they burn bright and brilliant, and then nothing in particular goes wrong, they just reach their end. They burn out." - Cora Carmack, Losing It.

Isn't this our story now? .. We met .. we chatted .. we instantly connected .. we got along like a house on fire .. we fell in love ( atleast I did ) .. we cared for each other .. and then one fine day, we fell apart .. or rather, I backed off.. without giving u a valid reason ..without caring about how much this might bother u .. without even trying to find out what wonders could have happened had we just given this a chance .. entirely my fault .. I agree! 

But would u believe me if I said I did this only because I had to .. not because I wanted to..? ... I had to let u go so u can have all the great things life has to offer..for with me, life would have been an absolute disaster .. n I wouldn't for my own selfish n unjustifiable reasons allow u to ruin ur life for an emotional n physical wreck like me  ..

So honey, with that in mind, I want u to be the best that u can be in all that u do .. believe in ur dreams as I believe in u . You r a wonderful person .. I love n respect u loadz ..  Goodbye and have a great life ! :)


PS :- "You are a sweet girl .. but its just that you've gotta be a little more bold in life and trust your instincts" .. these were ur last words to me, remember ..? .. You say you've been there twice ..so atleast u should've known how much strength n boldness it takes to let go off someone you really, badly n madly wanted ... atleast u should hv known ... but thanks anyway .. I shall bear ur advice in mind ..might come in handy in the near future .. :)

Over n Out! 

Like a flower it bloomed ... and like a flower it withered  .. all too soon ...